looking into the mirror, i don't recognise myself anymore. the naive, blissful happy little one. Where has that gone to?Yet, in return, there in the mirror is a medical student, her thoughts on her long, endless to-do list, and creeping out right at the deepest, darkest corner of her heart - the memories of patients. some make her chuckle, some make her smile, but others just leave her sad, even regretful. The pain, the hurt that you've gone through. Who am i to be a part of it? Who am i that you share all these with me? Yet, how would it then not naturally become a part of me? And how would i not mourn with you who mourn, grief with you who grief. But i'm still a child. What do i know about hurt, pain, being lost, alone - really alone?I look at you and see that deep pain, right there, even seeing it aches me. I can't say i understand. I can't even say i want to really understand, because i can't really understand unless i feel it that deeply that it may scar me. or has it already? maybe scar is too strong a word - but it certainly left marks, certainly changed my thoughts, perceptions, attitudes towards life. And death.
A doctor told me 'you're bright, you obviously care, and you are very motivated. I'm very sure you will be a very good doctor'.
I just can't help but wonder, do i care? do i care too much? there's nothing in between is there? There really is no optimal thing for that is there? I can't care without leaving feeling attached in some way, without getting a wee bit emotional. sigh.
life. med school. medical life. just got to make the most of it. With God, for God, i can, even if it leaves me changed, be it unto me.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment