Strength for today, bright hope for tomorrow.

respiratory. it is finished.

quite sad about it actually. didn't think i would like this so much. air going into tubes into balloons. doesn't sound as intriguing at first, but it was a really good module. really thank God i had such an amazing tutor. a tutor that really cared, not just for my learning, but for me. that is a huge difference.

but at the same time... respiratory... it was really sad. cancer, progressive diseases, humans losing their dignity, untreatable conditions. it was really a big change from cardio - the comparative much more 'quick-fix' medical specialty.

i look back, thinking of the times it was hard learning things from scratch. working with challenging people. stepping out. chatting with patients about themselves and their health. listening to the unheard sadder tales, hidden in the back of hearts. Seeing people sick, physically, mentally, emotionally. Seeing doctors deal with them, yet in the process realising how humanly small they are as well. Seeing patients getting fed up with life that doesn't look worth living. Making patients fed up of us medical students. Making a patient cry. how could i? It was valid but i never meant any more pain in times of such deep hurt and disappointment. I wish i could do more than just be useless and hurt. I wish. effort. practise practise practise. and when the critical moment comes, the effect of practise disappears. Frozen, i stood at the practical examination, something i've never done before, and for many moments after that, i questioned myself. Why was it that i froze?

yet, there were the good times. lots of banter with the tutor and the group. The trip down to Borders general wasn't all bad, but the exact opposite. the exciting medicine, and that exciting process of coming up with differential diagnosis which just thrills the geeky me. in the end, the ups and downs, they aren't separate things. they are just the same things viewed with different perspectives. There is after all comfort in pain, and hope doesn't seem any more amazing than when all else is dark. There is relieve in realising how human we are. there is still satisfaction in seeing a terminal case, to see someone go, gracefully, with the most dignity we will let them hang on to. Sure it slips, sure it goes, but there is just that tiny bit of satisfaction helping them with any little thing that we can in their last days.

i look back and smile, not with the same smile as i would normally do when i am 'normally happy'. I'm not normally happy in such a way. But this satisfaction, and seeing doctors work to this, it is just different. It's a really sombre kind of satisfaction.

now, on to Gastrointestinal module, which really should be renamed oesophagealgastroduodenalintestinalhepatopancreasanal module. now comes the hardcore studying.