seeing the rainbow amidst the dark skies.

Tomorrow will be my final day of teaching. for now.

i have really mixed feelings about teaching. I bluntly hate (i shall not sugarcoat this) the atmosphere in the staff room which is saturated with negativity and gossips. I'm not made for that, and it makes me tired. But i do understand how this negativity comes about.

Because, almost every civil servant in Malaysia is bound to face this problem. It's called Nonsense.

Nonsense, as in doing tonnes of paperwork that will do nothing much then protect you from your bosses and the angry parents.

Nonsense, as in the useless, just-for-show school activities held for all sorts of reasons that are never accomplished.

Nonsense, as in some form of exam which one needs to pass before getting a pay rise, regardless of one's work performance. This means, the worst teacher can get rewarded with better pay then the school's best teachers, as long as he or she knows some stuff that will not possibly improve his or her performance.

Because to the government, and the MoE in particular (or so it seems), dedication doesn't matter anymore.

Being an inspiration to students doesn't matter anymore.

Shaping, moulding and correcting students doesn't matter much anymore.

What matters is paperwork, a 'show' of 'moral values', the ability to sweet talk, etc. If you were a student in Malaysia not that long ago, you'd know.

Yet, some teachers. Just a handful of them. They manage to rise above all these and the problems i mentioned before this, and become inspirational, dedicated teachers. To these teachers, you've earned my deepest respect. It's not easy resisting a tide of negativity.

Despite the negativity, these past 3 days have been interesting. I accomplished many firsts and i'm happy about that.

I've tried my best at teaching classes about democracy, a subject close to my heart. I think 3 classes got the message...partially. You can't expect 14 year-olds to fully understand democracy. I'm going to be 19 and i don't think i understand it fully yet. It's after all not easy to understand democracy in a country which is not really fully democratic.

I'm glad i got one of my classes to speak. It was the so called 'creme de la creme' of GRSS' 2nd form, and yet, they were the most liveless class the first time i stepped in there. I prefer using an interactive way of teaching where i get students to answer questions instead of me blabbering to myself. But an interactive method require interactive students who can talk and think. Sadly, the impression I got from these 'creme de la creme' students when i first met them was the exact opposite of that. They were easily the most manageable class since they don't' even move an inch during class, but being the most manageable won't make one the most successful in life right?

I understand why they are the way they are though. After years of teachers telling you being absolutely silent and motionless = good and 'kuai', you'd naturally do that since you are in the top class. They became 'yes-men' who thought all-day long about getting top marks and nothing else. They could hardly form opinions about anything. Not even something like 'school'. I know because i asked them to speak on what they would fight for with they were elected student representatives, the equivalent of MPs but in school instead of parliament. And most of them say i don't know what to do despite much prompting! I know how it feels like because i've been there. But darn, i wish these batch of students learn how to think and speak quickly. And i hoped they get my message on how important it will be for them to think and speak in their future. A silent student is after all only good till secondary school. After that, the silent one will be left behind. That will be tragic, totally.

I had two more 'troublesome' classes today though. One was almost half-empty when i got in. I decided to take action and record who were in the class and who ponteng-ed. I mean, the vicious cycle has got to stop and someone has to take responsibility and start acting appropriately. Teachers going to classes late with the excuse "students will be late anyway and i don't wanna get myself angry" should stop pushing the responsibility away from themselves. Yes, students these days are getting hard to manage but at least put in some real tough effort!

Even though i'm only going to be in school for 4 days, i guess i'm not paid to be a puppet. And being responsible is part of my work ethos. I believe if i were to get a job done half-way, i should not claim my salary fully. But since i've already pocketed my salary, i'm not gonna short-change my bosses by doing my work sloppily.

(to be continued)